When I first thought of writing a recap of my 2019, only the rough spots came to mind. Thankfully, I didn’t write this piece right there and then, or it would have been a totally different narrative – one that is not accurate and completely misleading and full of bitterness.
If I did, I would have only written about regrets, pain, disappointments and how 2019 screwed me over. Yes, I am a cry baby and whiner. Public admission takes so much weight off my shoulders. Hopefully in 2020 I can totally shed my cry-baby whiny skin and learn to grow more spine.
At the point in the year where year-ender reviews are being composed, it’s sad to think that all I could really focus on were the challenges that this year has brought. I realized that life is not meant to be lived like a television series where problems are solved in 30 minutes and everyone had a good laugh afterwards. In real life, the pain lingers, the tears continued to flow days after and the bitterness simmers and bubbles continuously.
I bought a notebook – yes a journal – specifically for this so that I may write down every single thing. But the journal remains blank. I never got the courage to write down every raw emotion coursing through me at the time. I don’t want people to find out someday that I harbored bitter resentments. That I was unable to move on. That sweeping things under the rug just doesn’t cut it anymore. That turning a blind eye is not as satisfying as looking the tiger straight in the eye – recklessly dangerous and there’s a big chance you’ll end up dead, but at the time you’re doing it, it was worth it. That turning the other cheek is simply not my cup of tea.
However, after the explosion of emotions had subsided and I had time to sit in quiet I realized the year did not begin and end with my challenges. The year began with me cruising the Canary Islands with my college roommate and the mother of my godson. As the year opened its doors, I was in Barcelona, one of my most favorite spots in the world. What a blessing that was, right? On the same trip, I got to visit new places with my husband and friends. What else could I ask for, right?
Following this trip, I found myself faced with a big decision. After giving it a little thought I decided I needed to shake up my life. I read the situation as the world or fate giving me a way out. I saw it as a sign to leave. It was the sign I was waiting for in years and somehow it was a now or never kind of decision. I was afraid either way. If I leave, the unknown is pretty scary. If I stayed, the ennui and stagnation are lethal and that’s pretty scary.
Thus, I made my first (stupidly) brave move in as far as I can remember. I left a job I held for a long time to sit on my couch for an unknown period of time. I told you it was stupid. But my husband supported my whim and encouraged me to take a few months off to think things through and devise a new game plan for myself. The funny thing is I learned that introspection is not my strong suit and that I have a hard time reaching my very core to learn what exactly it is that I need and want to do with the rest of my life. I was completely satisfied with the “status quo” that getting the boat rocked was a situation I did not allow myself to ponder. But I sailed through the first few weeks, basking in the glory of extra hours of sleep, no hour and a half commute or the stressful days at work. Eventually I got bored with that as well and I started to troll every employment website there are available and got myself into examinations for county and gov’t jobs. Pretty soon I got called for one interview after another. It was an anxious time because the last time I was at a job interview was some 20 years ago. You read that right, 20 years ago was the last time I went for an interview.
Thankfully, the interview process as I found out remains the same. In fact, I remembered that the interviews I went on 20 years ago were tougher in the sense that I faced a panel (at least 5 in a conference room) of interviewers instead of today’s 2 people or at most 3 people “panel”. The questions were pretty much situational and I suppose it’s not actually the “qualifications” that they are focusing on but on the attitude and how you tackle a particular problem. I answered as I saw fit and in all honesty I did not get very nervous. I did feel a little nervous before the interview while at the waiting area, but as soon as I was ushered in the interview room that all went away.
I got a new job that is a 180-degree change from my previous job. It is also a 15-minute commute (at most) and the boss does not micromanage. It’s quiet, the phone doesn’t ring and everyone just goes about their work when it’s time to work. I love it. There’s a downside to this job, but I’d rather not mention it here right now. I don’t know if I’m going to stay here long, but I love it so far.
Another blessing this year is the realization of my dream to see the so-called Utah’s Big 5 National Parks - Zion, Arches, Canyonlands, Bryce and Capitol Reef. How can you go wrong with a road trip to visit these natural wonders? In addition, we also visited both the Upper and the Lower Antelope Canyons in Nevada. This road trip was formulating in my brain for a decade or so; thus, I was really glad that we finally got it done.
So what will 2020 bring? I don’t know, but I can assure you that whatever it is I’m ready for it.
