This is how the cookie crumbled in 2019

When I first thought of writing a recap of my 2019, only the rough spots came to mind. Thankfully, I didn’t write this piece right there and then, or it would have been a totally different narrative – one that is not accurate and completely misleading and full of bitterness.

If I did, I would have only written about regrets, pain, disappointments and how 2019 screwed me over. Yes, I am a cry baby and whiner. Public admission takes so much weight off my shoulders. Hopefully in 2020 I can totally shed my cry-baby whiny skin and learn to grow more spine.

At the point in the year where year-ender reviews are being composed, it’s sad to think that all I could really focus on were the challenges that this year has brought. I realized that life is not meant to be lived like a television series where problems are solved in 30 minutes and everyone had a good laugh afterwards. In real life, the pain lingers, the tears continued to flow days after and the bitterness simmers and bubbles continuously.

I bought a notebook – yes a journal – specifically for this so that I may write down every single thing. But the journal remains blank. I never got the courage to write down every raw emotion coursing through me at the time. I don’t want people to find out someday that I harbored bitter resentments. That I was unable to move on. That sweeping things under the rug just doesn’t cut it anymore. That turning a blind eye is not as satisfying as looking the tiger straight in the eye – recklessly dangerous and there’s a big chance you’ll end up dead, but at the time you’re doing it, it was worth it. That turning the other cheek is simply not my cup of tea.

However, after the explosion of emotions had subsided and I had time to sit in quiet I realized the year did not begin and end with my challenges. The year began with me cruising the Canary Islands with my college roommate and the mother of my godson. As the year opened its doors, I was in Barcelona, one of my most favorite spots in the world. What a blessing that was, right? On the same trip, I got to visit new places with my husband and friends. What else could I ask for, right?

Following this trip, I found myself faced with a big decision. After giving it a little thought I decided I needed to shake up my life. I read the situation as the world or fate giving me a way out. I saw it as a sign to leave. It was the sign I was waiting for in years and somehow it was a now or never kind of decision. I was afraid either way. If I leave, the unknown is pretty scary. If I stayed, the ennui and stagnation are lethal and that’s pretty scary.

Thus, I made my first (stupidly) brave move in as far as I can remember. I left a job I held for a long time to sit on my couch for an unknown period of time. I told you it was stupid. But my husband supported my whim and encouraged me to take a few months off to think things through and devise a new game plan for myself. The funny thing is I learned that introspection is not my strong suit and that I have a hard time reaching my very core to learn what exactly it is that I need and want to do with the rest of my life. I was completely satisfied with the “status quo” that getting the boat rocked was a situation I did not allow myself to ponder. But I sailed through the first few weeks, basking in the glory of extra hours of sleep, no hour and a half commute or the stressful days at work. Eventually I got bored with that as well and I started to troll every employment website there are available and got myself into examinations for county and gov’t jobs. Pretty soon I got called for one interview after another. It was an anxious time because the last time I was at a job interview was some 20 years ago. You read that right, 20 years ago was the last time I went for an interview.

Thankfully, the interview process as I found out remains the same. In fact, I remembered that the interviews I went on 20 years ago were tougher in the sense that I faced a panel (at least 5 in a conference room) of interviewers instead of today’s 2 people or at most 3 people “panel”. The questions were pretty much situational and I suppose it’s not actually the “qualifications” that they are focusing on but on the attitude and how you tackle a particular problem. I answered as I saw fit and in all honesty I did not get very nervous. I did feel a little nervous before the interview while at the waiting area, but as soon as I was ushered in the interview room that all went away.

I got a new job that is a 180-degree change from my previous job. It is also a 15-minute commute (at most) and the boss does not micromanage. It’s quiet, the phone doesn’t ring and everyone just goes about their work when it’s time to work. I love it. There’s a downside to this job, but I’d rather not mention it here right now. I don’t know if I’m going to stay here long, but I love it so far.

Another blessing this year is the realization of my dream to see the so-called Utah’s Big 5 National Parks - Zion, Arches, Canyonlands, Bryce and Capitol Reef. How can you go wrong with a road trip to visit these natural wonders? In addition, we also visited both the Upper and the Lower Antelope Canyons in Nevada. This road trip was formulating in my brain for a decade or so; thus, I was really glad that we finally got it done.

So what will 2020 bring? I don’t know, but I can assure you that whatever it is I’m ready for it.

Still Here

I am still here!

I'm well aware that I have been gone for nearly 2 years. Busy schedule is to be blamed. Maintaining too many blogs too. However, a major change in my life and schedule has made me realize how I cherish the way I used to write about nonsense here, things that I cared about.

As mentioned above, I had a major change in my life this year and while trying to maneuver through all these knee-buckling changes I made a pass at the old posts and they cheered me up. I was writing about stuff that I was going through and I realized that I managed to pass through all those challenges as well.

That gave me some inspiration to keep this going.

I think I will just jot down what I think, what I feel, what I overcome, or what drowns me.

I will survive just so I can write all about it.

Cheap is Expensive

Are you like me? Do you have a fascination with buying anything cheap? I like going to the Dollar Tree, Dollar Store, 99 Cents Store, etc to get items like dust pan, brooms, paper clips, legal pads, etc, etc, etc.

Lately, however, I’ve been becoming aware that cheap is getting expensive. Like the soap caddy for instance. We buy at the dollar store. It doesn’t work after a few months. In a year we get to replace the caddy so often. Then there’s my work ID badge, the plastic thingy that you hang on a lanyard? Well I’ve been buying ID badge holder every month at the 99 Cents Store. Finally one day, I had it. On the third week of the last badge holder that I got from the discount store, it broke. I finally had it. I decided to buy one from Walmart. Okay so as much as Walmart doesn’t appeal to me as a “good employer”, the prices cannot be beat and when you’re operating your household under a tight budget, believe me you will grab onto Walmart’s prices so quickly.

Anyway, so we went to Walmart and found a package of 12 badge holders…..for $1.99. Twelve for $1.99!!!! More bang for my buck! And it’s good quality too. I think I will think twice before buying something from the dollar store from now on, although I’m very sure that nothing can stop me from shopping there.

Do you buy anything from discount/dollar stores?

Millie and Other Random Thoughts

Out of the blue I thought of Millie today. Who is Millie? I met Millie in college, freshman year. She’s one of the girls I hang out with. Since we were seated alphabetically (pathetic, right?) we always sit together, both of us have last names starting with M.

In college she wore her straight black hair short, an inch or two above shoulder with bangs. She wore red red lipstick on her nicely shaped lips. She also wore make-up, I thought too much for school setting. She kept her uniform (yes we did wear unis in university) above the knee, highlighting her beautifully-shaped legs, proportional for her short stature.

She was a Manilena, through and through. Okay to be more precise, she was from San Juan. One time we went to their house, I don't remember why.

Anyway, she belonged to the group of gals that I hang with on that freshman year. All of them are from the Metro area and I was the only one that’s from the province. I really felt like I was fresh off the boat for the most part whenever I was around them, or what we used to term, promdi (short for from the province).

She was very nice to me and she has that guile, womanly guile that only a Manilena would know at age 17. In my eyes she was mature beyond her years.

She moved away the next year. I heard she migrated to USA.

Years later, my bff from high school who also migrated to California was on the phone with me and out of nowhere she asked if I knew Millie. They bumped into each other in San Jose and they had me in common. Both of them shared individual experience of how we copied off each other during exams.

I really don’t have a reason for this post except that I realized that so many people come into our lives that are there only for a second or so. Then they’re gone forever. They move on to their own journey on this earth and our journey goes on without them.

Say for instance, all the people in all the classes I’ve been in the university. Out of a roomful of people, there’s one or two that would be important for a period of time, if not forever. What happens with the others?

I’ve lived in dormitories before. I’ve made life-long friends there. But there were more who I ate dinner with regularity and yet I cannot remember their names anymore. At one point in my life, I have shared a chuckle with so many people that have touched my life in some ways.

I don’t know what I’m talking about. But as I was looking at the photos of people I took in Venice, an idea is brewing in my mind. I think I’ll explore that idea further.

In the meantime, I wonder what happened to Millie. Would we recognize each other when we bump into each other? I could only wonder.

Sad Day

I haven't been posting here lately, but I thought I'd put my feelings into writing. Except that I really don't think I understand my feelings. I know I am sad and shocked, but other than that I have no idea.

You see this morning an hour or so after my shift, my husband called. Now this is a routine call, every morning he calls to check if I get to work okay and on time. He leaves home before me. But this time he said he had bad news. Our friend and realtor died last night.

When my husband was single and working in suburbia (he's still working in the 'burbs), he rented a room with a childless couple. The house has 4 bedrooms and at one time all 3 bedrooms were rented. Finding a place to live in is quite difficult. Getting an apartment is not easy on the pocketbook. My husband being a quiet guy, shuns partying, found the ideal place with this elderly couple. They doted on him like a son they never had and in return he helps out with little things the couple couldn't do themselves - the husband being handy around the house.

This relationship grew stronger and even after we got married we remained close to them. They treated me as the daughter-in-law they never had. We take them out to dinner occassionally, or invite them over for supper - and they do the same for us.

The woman has a sister, D, the realtor. We became close to her as well and treated her like family. She was the one who got us our house. She was very patient with us when we were looking for a house. She used to tell me I cannot get a house because I like every house I saw. As a matter of fact, the house we live in now is one of those very few that I didn't really like. But my husband drilled some sense into me and I saw the potential. I'm glad I listened. I love our house and always think of D as the reason why we have the house.

When we closed escrow and I got the key to the house, she didn't want to accept her commission. She said we could use it to buy stuff for the house. After pointing out that she earned the commission, she then gifted us with a new laptop as a housewarming present.

D was a good friend. She and her husband, like her sister and her husband, are childless. Her sudden death raises so many questions. Who will look after her frail husband? What will happen to their house?

It's just a sad day.

In other news:

.....I'm still going to zumba (yay!)

.....I think I'm getting arthritis (no!)

.....We had friends over last Friday night and had lots of fun. House was shaking with laughter. Hubby drank too much, got sick all night long. Was hung over the next day. Glad he was at home when all this happened.

.....I'm going away for a night at a cabin near Sequioa National Park. However I will miss two parties because of this - my niece Ashley's 2nd bbq at the park birthday party and Tempest's Oscar night party. Oh I so wanted to go to both of those, especially Tempest's party because her husband is a professional pastry chef or is it chocolatier. Oh boy he makes really good chocolate yummies.

That's all for now.

Disappointments and Hopes

I started to write something here about what happened earlier in the day about someone's alleged prejudice against the third sex. Then I deleted it. What if he was only joking? However, he doesn't joke around that way. It was simply too jarring an incident. Why would he say things like that? I'm disappointed with him. I'm disappointed with me because I always thought he is an upstanding guy.

Even if he's only joking, I'm afraid I'm never going to see him in the same light again.

Now to more rosy thoughts.....

The Golden State Warriors are unbelievably good this year. Many are hopeful - and confident - that they would go past the first round of eliminations. I join the multitude of #dubnation who's wish is to see them win it all this year.

Vacation can't come soon enough.....

But I won't be taking one in another 4 or 5 months. I think a week-long beach holiday is due. I'm starting to get things done, like booking the resort, and the flight. For the most part this year will be quiet in terms of travel because we plan on visiting family in Bangladesh for Christmas. My husband didn't have Christmas with his family in 20+ years, so I say it's overdue, don't you think?

With this in plan, most of our vacation time would be used for this trip, limiting the budget allotment and time allotment for any other destination.

Meantime, my Christmas tree is still up and the so are the decors. I am plain too lazy to do anything. I've been having major headaches lately and when I get them I just wanna lay in bed with the cats and do nothing. I really should go to the doctor - again ask for diagnotic test even though the ones done on me before were all negative.

By the next post, I would have definitely packed all the Christmas decorations and to the garage they will reside until I fished them out again in 11 months.

If I was blogging in 1993, this would have been my post.

I just had a tinge of regret at fact that I wasn't blogging when I first came to the US. I don't think anyone was blogging or if blogging was invented yet. Just think of all the possibilities for postings, a goldmine. Each time one experiences change, there is bound to be endless bloggable materials from the experience.

Unfortunately for me, I may have written a few journal entries, whereabouts unknown. Mostly though I was sharing all these new experiences to my friends by writing them letters and sending them postcards. I moved to California from the Philippines in 1993.

It will be 20 years in February of 2013 that I have been away from the motherland and living in my second motherland, California. Sometimes, I feel nostalgic and try to recall all the changes brought by the move, but the years have been plenty between then and now and my brain cells have aged dramatically since; hence, very little do I remember about those experiences.

The difference with my move in comparison with the many blogs about changes in location that I read (mostly from fellow Pinoys moving/working outside the country) is that I moved to join my family. I already have a family support system in my new "motherland" and that I was expecting very few, if any, adjustments with my living conditions. I was the last one to come.

However, it was really tough getting started. Unlike the nurses that come to the US to work, I came without a job already in place. It was tough job hunting even then, and that was the time of plenty. My sis-in-law had many friends. One of them offered to give me a training position in her small mortgage firm, by doing small things like answering the phones, faxing, doing whatever needs to be done. Aside from the owner, there were 2 others that work there part-time. All of them Filipinos. She gave me $100 a week and I stayed for a few months, just so I have something to write in my resume. I don't think it helped, but it gave me something to do in those first few months here.

In the same company I met a younger woman, a few years older than I am who was renting the small office. She is a lawyer and studied law at San Beda College, which is just across from my alma mater, CEU. In all the time I was there, I only saw her with one client. I don't know how she managed to keep afloat. We bonded and often ate our lunch together. I sometimes am left alone in the office, welcoming people from banks. I got some mugs and cups and other freebies from banks.

But a $100 a week wasn't going to keep me alive, so I left. I was out of job for a few weeks, if my memory is correct. Then I saw this ad on the paper about a supervisory position in a manufacturing firm in Emeryville (just across the Bay Bridge from SF). My brother drove me to the appointment, I went to be interviewed and was told by the owner that I was overqualified for the position. But I told him I needed to start somewhere. And I wasn't picky.

And so I started to work in a factory - making suspenders (that you see on Home Depot) and ties. While I was hired as a supervisor, I first have to get trained in the stock room where I needed to familiarize myself with all the products we make and all the materials required to complete a product. In addition, I was to learn the entire process and it begins in the stock room. The stock room is manned/headed by the owner's wife. The owners are Eastern European and she's about my age and we got along well from the very beginning.

My first day on the job I was lugging heavy materials all day long (was good, I maintained a sexy figure, wink***) and making sure I was giving the production floor the right materials for the products we were making. I couldn't move a muscle when I got home. I remembered almost crying (wouldn't cry because I was still living with brother) as I raised my feet up against the wall and laid in bed, too tired to want dinner.

I survived that first day and the disappointment and heartbreak of the first paycheck (peanuts money I tell you) and learned to like my job and my co-workers. The workers were from different countries. At the peak of production, I was managing 32 people, can you believe that?

Since the factory was small and the owners were Catholic, we always had Good Friday off. Also we have two 1-week vacation/time off every year. The workers didn't get paid for vacation, but I did since I was supervisor. This is where I met my husband. He was handling the Shipping and Receiving Dept. He stayed in that job because it suited his school schedules. I stayed because I didn't feel like trying to job hunt again.

Eventually, we both found our situation wanting in so many levels. He was going to graduate soon and would be seeking good jobs, I wanted a medical insurance coverage - the company didn't think I deserved to get one or that they could not afford it, either way the answer was NO.

On one of those weeklong vacations my then boyfriend and I would apply for jobs, mostly county and gov't jobs. Then we get called to take exams - civil service exams. And so one of those jobs called and I interviewed for 2 different positions - one in Social Services and another in hospital (here). I chose the latter because it has parking space. And also when the Director interviewed me, he said I was overqualified. I managed to convince him that I needed the job and I won't leave him high and dry. Not sure if that is a good decision or not.

See I have way too much materials then to blog about. Now, look, this blog is suriving on a once-a-week post, pitiful, isn't it?

Whatever Comes To Mind

Lately these are what's on my mind:

• Sick and tired of this headache - go away, shoooo!
• I need to occupy myself with something else to do other than blogging.
• I really want to eat some sushi.
• My cat Emma makes my life so wonderful. Didn't think a cat can do that.
• More old friends coming out of the Facebook woodwork. Fun.
• Wonder where my husband would take me for my birthday.
• I'm bored.

There you are the things on my mind while I maneuver thru this 8-hour day. Have a wonderful Wednesday. It's almost weekend.

Penny For Your Thoughts

Pick a penny up and all day long you'll have good luck.

Goes the saying.

My mother picks up each and every penny she finds on the streets, in the mall, practically everywhere. She reasons out that it's money, so leaving it there is wasting it. Let's not waste money she says. So she picks it up.

My husband leaves it there. He reasons out that it's money that someone else might need. We don't need it too badly to pick it up. The penny would be wasted on us. So he leaves it there on the pavement, on the street, anywhere he finds it because someone else might need it.

What about you? What are your thoughts on the penny found?